We are each great at our jobs, but my employer just pays better, and, as a consequence, I make nearly twice as much as he does. It seems to work out just fine. We also have the advantage of being child-free, so we live very well on what is really just about the median income for our major metro area.
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We are very happy financially, and I think that splitting the unavoidable household expenses mortgage, car insurance, groceries, etc. Children or no children, this is not how a life partner behaves in a healthy relationship. When my fiance and I moved in together maybe about 7 years ago we split rent by percentages.
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He paid more, because he made more. We took turns buying joint items, but it was never a situation where we split things down to the last penny. Just recently we decided to merge our finances. That was a huge adjustment for us! Now, even though I make more, we pay all of our bills including my student loans jointly. BUT, I also think you need to have the money conversation that Kat mentioned above. Find out how much he values money, how important money is to his self-worth, etc. It appears as if you and he have different philsophies on money management, so you should also present your view of money.
Beyond that, I think you need to have a bigger conversation about the role of money in your relationship. Will he think of you as less than equal if you make less than him? Will he think less of himself if you make more than him?
Also, if you decide one day to stay home with kids, how is he going to value that contribution? Be prepared — these conversations are never resolved in one sitting. Nor are they easy the first few times. My fiance and I hemmed and hawed for a YEAR about whether to merge our finances because neither of us wanted to give up control. I think the splitting everything evenly attitude comes, bizarrely, from a sort of feminist perspective. Like he thinks men always paying for dates is old-fashioned and makes no sense in a world where most women work also.
I get it, but it made way more sense when we were both poor students with about the same amount of income. I think part of the reluctance on the joint bank account stems from the extreme uncertainty in our life right now due to my lack of a job. The economy put plans in a tailspin.
But getting to that point is turning out to take much longer and be more frustrating than expected. Naturally it makes sense for expenses to be slightly uneven right now. Perhaps a compromise or, maybe a more scary option? This comment actually changes my perspective on your situation. If a year from now, when he has a well-paying job, things are still the same, then I think you should seriously consider the future of your relationship.
I would never presume to say he is not a good person or a worthwhile investment of your time. And this kind of behavior does not change unless the person becomes independently motivated to change it, and receives help to do so. If I believe it, it will happen.
I am just going to share some titles with you anyway, so you know there are resources out there if you decide you want them. Yes, these are cheesy self-help books a la Bridget Jones, but they have good info. The Emotionally Unavailable Man: This is the Bible for women involved in relationships that are unsatisfying, that never seem to go anywhere, that are stuck in first gear after years and years together. Smart Women, Foolish Choices: Here it is, and read the reviews, they speak the truth! I hope that this is not taken as a critique of your life style, but I think what you really need to have a discussion on is what kind of relationship you two want to have.
Is it a casual relationship with the convenience of sharing a residence i. It sounds to me like he may be considering you two the former, while you may be expecting the support and partnership that one would have with the latter. You need to get away from him. If you are spending time dividing up receipts, what will child raising be like? When we were students and therefore on basically the same income , I always made my boyfriend now husband pay for the birth control.
Luckily my husband is a very generous man: I agree with the posters above that this stinginess is also a sign of emotional stinginess. I would really talk to him about it and see how he reacts. When I moved in with my husband, he worked for a private company in a highly technical field and I was a new govt lawyer with student loans.
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Ten years later, we are married and have a son. I make more money because he left the company and works from home so he does not have to travel. All of our money goes into one account for bills and he has his own account for spending money. He takes care of most of the child care issues and more than half of the household cleaning and chores.
He is a keeper! By the way, he never finished college but he is self-taught and smart.
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The only issue that we ever have is that I am more well-rounded in terms of my education so I get frustrated when I make a literary reference that he does not get because he simply is not as well-read. Certainly not a deal breaker! Also, he sometimes seems annoyed at my student loans, but seems to have gotten over that one by now. Sometimes I pick up the tab for coffee, sometimes they do. How do you make spending decisions for items you split the cost? I usually make decisions for big items.moederbauha.tk
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No cars or mortgages or new appliances or anything like that. Hang in there, though — and once you both have real jobs, try to get over the college mentality ASAP. I have never lived with a boyfriend, but all of my ex boyfriends have eaten twice if not three times as much as I do. That would be very irritating. All of our bills get paid from that account and then there is no bickering about him going out for happy hour or me buying shoes. Even though I make more, we contribute the same amount. I even things out by paying for our health insurance.
I tend to agree with the commenters saying that this is a huge warning sign and you should re-evaluate the relationship, but if you want to test the relationship without the financial issues, I think you need to see what happens when you give yourself some space to make decisions. It sounds like he is being very controlling, on top of being emotionally unavailable. Probably splitting hairs, but joint accounts can lead to a whole range of problems.
It is very unlikely that he will change and maybe you should consider if this is something you can live with for the next 50 years. I would think of vacations and paying for children, etc. Is he going to want to split the costs of a child as if you were divorced and it was child support? Yes, I would too. The granola bars conversation makes my jaw drop. There are no words for such selfishness. He sounds very avoidant.
He is using these excuses to keep you at arms length.
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The is a great book about anxious, secure, and avoidant relationship styles. Does anyone have the situation where they are the one with a lower income and have issues with that sometimes? Husband makes a good deal more than I do, and has no school debt. In this exact situation, and have been since we married a few years ago. My career spiraled down the toilet for about 2 years before we finally moved so that I could take a job and get my career underway. We always knew he wanted to start his own business or join a start-up, and so our plan was for me to be the breadwinner for a while after I obtained my MBA.
The pride saver for me has always been that we both wanted me to be the higher earner at some point, so that he could do his own thing without risking our financial position. Midori, my pride had a hard time with it, too.
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